What I Want My Obituary to Say If I Die at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, or 100

Age 30

It’s hard to pick and choose what to say about someone with so many accomplishments. For instance, who was better than Amy at planning? When a fire alarm in her home would lose battery power and shriek at her to replace its batteries, instead of removing it from the wall, extracting its depleted batteries, being unable to find any of the weird batteries it required, and indefinitely leaving it in a drawer somewhere, Amy learned to simply buy some of the weird batteries in advance. We will never forget her incredible foresight.

 

Age 40

Amy Collier was nothing if not a bastion of technological innovation. The year she designed a collection of summer tops with built-in support so she wouldn’t have to wear a bra and thus multiple layers of clothing in 90º heat was the same year she invented a serum you can inject to permanently keep mosquitoes from biting you. The combination of these two events improved her Augusts exponentially.

Amy leaves behind many adoring Facebook fans.

 

Age 50

Having finally mastered the art of not indirectly killing houseplants through neglect, Amy found her 40s to be one of her most successful decades so far. In another impressive tale, Amy invested in furniture that matched and even attached felt circles to the bottom of all her furniture’s legs so they wouldn’t scratch the hardwood floor. A round of applause for Amy!

 

Age 60

Amy experienced many personal triumphs throughout her life, not the least of which was fulfilling a desire she entertained for a very long while: One day she took all of her dresses to the tailor to have pockets sewn in so there was always a convenient place for her phone. Today we take a moment to recall her great contributions to garment technology.

 

Age 70

Though the odds were often stacked against her, Amy Collier persevered. All of Boston rejoiced when she single-handedly talked the MBTA into running its trains 24/7. She was subsequently awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for Partying. Other notable feats include discovering mobile checking deposits and never depositing another check late again, and flossing every day.

 

Age 80

Amy shocked everyone when she finished all of her home improvement projects, including the perfectly good table she found on the side of the road with the stain on it that just needed to be sanded and finished but wound up sitting unused in her office for years. The Queen named her an honorary Dame for her efforts in DIY.

 

Age 90

What is to be said of someone so great? All will remember how she eventually figured out how to cook lentils at the correct level of softness. She has been posthumously awarded the Pulitzer Prize in Lentil Consistency.

 

Age 100

We often wonder, how could someone with such an affinity for only working from the comfort of her couch do so much? In her final year Amy shut down all the zoos, ended the death penalty, closed the pay gap between people of all races and genders, banned factory farming, and fixed the prison industrial complex. She will be greatly missed by her best friend’s cats.

 

 

Editor’s note: if you want to write your own obituary, check out our  step by step guide on how you can start.

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